Fetish Tribe FAQs
So what is the dress code? And why does there have to be a dress code, anyway?
Yes, Tribe parties do have a dress code, for a few reasons. The biggest one is that all of you, my friends, are the party. You are the sexy, sultry vibe that turns an empty New York club into a naughty grown-up playground for the night. You are the one exploring your dreams and fantasies… you are Tribe, and this is the time to show your spots. Now take the flip side of that coin: say you’re out for the night and ready to play, sporting your new latex hot pants, and you get to the party and there is a table full of fetish-tourists in t-shirts and baseball caps ogling you while you’re getting tied up. Is that going to make you feel sexy? Didn’t think so. Us either. Don’t be those tourists. Join in the fun! BE TRIBE.
DO wear something that makes you feel sexy, fun, different, exotic, dark, festive, or hot. Corsets and schoolgirl skirts. Leather and lace. Vinyl and latex. Goth. Burner. Raver. Punk. American Psycho in a three piece suit. Pretty much anything goes, as long as you look like you put some effort and imagination into it!
DON’T come in athletic shoes, sweat pants, ball caps or jeans.
DON’T come with your junk hanging out. Sorry, we know. We want to run around naked too. But we also want to follow the law, and at bars and clubs in New York City where alcohol is served, “following the law” means your family jewels and your lady bits need to be covered up at all times. Nipples too, ladies. No exceptions.
We have to keep our clothes on? Does that mean we can’t have sex?
Bingo. Unfortunately, that is exactly what that means. Much like nudity, sex is prohibited at bars and clubs in New York City as long as alcohol is on the menu. That includes blow jobs. That includes sticking your hands on someone’s exposed bits. If you want to get it on, I’m afraid “you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.” If you have a problem with that, you’re going to have to take it up with the city… it’s DEFINITELY not our preference… but those are the rules and we stand by them.
What on Earth is a “scene?” What do I do when one is happening near me?
When two (or more) people play together we often refer to that play session as a “scene.” If you’ve been to any play parties at all you’ve probably heard the term at least once. We call it a scene because it usually has a very distinct beginning and ending point, and often even has the feel of being its own little private universe.
A lot of the play we do is very physically and emotionally intense. Being disturbed can be incredibly disorienting and, depending on what toys and tools are in play, occasionally dangerous. That’s why it’s considered bad manners to interrupt people who are in the middle of a scene. Watching is fine, though, from a distance. Stay far enough away to be un-creepy and feel free to enjoy the view, but be respectful and quiet enough not to be disruptive. If you’re curious about what’s going on most people are more than happy to answer questions if you have them, but wait until they’ve finished and have gone through whatever process they need to decompress (we call that “aftercare”).
Side note: sometimes you’ll hear people talking about “The Scene,” which is a bit different. That’s just short-hand for “The Fetish Scene” or “The BDSM Scene” and generally refers to the community as a whole.
There are a lot of people here in skimpy clothes. Why do they get upset when I try and touch them? This is a sex party, isn’t it? People here are looking for action, right?
There are, in fact, a lot of hot people at Tribe parties who aren’t wearing much. And we love that, and we want to keep it that way. This means they need to feel comfortable running around half-naked… and that means we all need to be polite and respectful of each other, and never, never, NEVER touch anyone without permission, for any reason, EVER. Tribe parties are not sex parties (though similar rules would probably still apply if they were), and there are plenty of party-goers who have no interest whatsoever in any “action,” especially not with strangers. Be mindful of that.
Okay, so I totally understand that “consent” means that people have to say yes before I try to have sex with them… but you’re saying I have to get permission before I even try to kiss someone?
You got it absolutely right. If you want to touch ANYONE, ANYWHERE, with ANYTHING you need to ask them first, and have them very clearly communicate that they are okay with it. That goes for kissing. That goes for hugging. That goes for riding crops and paddles. If you want to touch anyone’s anything, you need permission.
Sometimes you don’t always see that exchange happen, but it’s important to remember that there are a lot of people at Tribe parties who have known each other and been playing together for years. There are many people who attend who are in committed relationships outside of the club. Don’t assume that because some folks are very casual and touchy-feely with each other that you can take the same liberties.
Also, if you have permission but then someone asks you to stop, or gives their safe-word, you stop. Immediately. Without question.
This is probably our most important rule, and we take it very, very seriously because we want to create a safe space where people feel comfortable enough to play… So I’m going to say it again to be absolutely clear:
If you touch someone without permission and it upsets them in any way, you will be asked to leave. End of story.
If someone asks you to stop touching them, or uses their safe word, and you do not immediately stop, you will be asked to leave. End of story.
What was that term, “safe word” you just said?
Role-play is big in the BDSM scene. Sometimes folks like to pretend that they’re being made to do something, or are making someone else do something, against their will. At times like those, “NO!” and “Stop!” can often mean “YES!” and “Please keep going!” So what happens when you actually want or need to stop?
A safe word is a code word or series of code words often used in BDSM to unambiguously communicate that a scene needs to slow down, or stop completely. Many people use the “traffic light” system, where “Red!” means stop and “yellow!” means to slow down, but some people have a special word that they have chosen for their own reasons. If you’re going to be engaging in rough play with another, a discussion of safe words is a very, very good idea. It helps avoid confusion, hurt feelings, hurt bodies, and big misunderstandings.
Why can’t I take pictures? This inverted rope suspension is so cool and I just want to show my friends!
We want everyone to feel comfortable at our parties. Some people are very comfortable being open and free with their sexuality in all aspects of their lives, but for others Tribe parties are their time to take a vacation from their “real lives.” People with high-profile jobs or conservative families could easily find themselves in awkward or difficult positions if a photo of them at a fetish party showed up on the internet (even in the background), and once a photo has been taken there is no way to guarantee that won’t happen. The only sure-fire way to avoid that problem is to say “Sorry, no pictures.” Please be respectful of our wishes, and the privacy of your fellow party-goers. Keep the cameras at home and leave the smart phones in your pockets. We don’t want to “out” anyone accidentally, against their wishes.
On a related note, occasionally we have professional photographer friends who might come through with their fancy-pants cameras and offer to take a picture for you. If that is the case, we know they’re there, and they are legit. They won’t put any pictures up on any website without permission, and you can feel free to accept or decline as you choose. If you accept, just give them an email address and they’ll send you some gorgeous mementos within a day or two!
What if someone breaks a rule and I see it? What if something happens that makes me uncomfortable? Who can I go to?
Being Tribe means looking out for each other. If you see something go down, or if something happens to you that you’re not okay with, we have people walking around all night serving as “Dungeon Monitors,” with clearly identifiable reflective arm bands. They are there specifically so that you have somewhere to go if there is a problem. You can also come to any of the party hosts, if you know us. If you can’t find any of us for some reason, the bar staff can point you in our direction. We don’t like to leave problems unaddressed, so if you are distressed for any reason please let us know so we can help fix it! If a Dungeon Master tells you to do something… do it. If you don’t, you will be asked to leave. We want a safe, happy space to play… help us create one, please!